Doubt and Identity

This post is for the July Carnival of Aces with the  topic of doubt, hosted by A Fine Line.

My identity and doubt have usually gone together though I rarely had a reason to question it myself and would usually push the doubt aside. Most of my doubt has usually been momentary and then dismissed, except when it is instigated by other people questioning my identity.

In fact the only reason I started doubting my own identity was after my mum made a comment that she would accept me regardless of my identity when I was 15. This followed me telling her about one of the girls at a school swimming carnival complaining to me that all the guys were staring at her and I didn’t even look at her (one of if not the earliest ” ace moments” that I can remember). Obviously she suspected that I might be gay.

This was something that stuck with me though and would every so often make me doubt and question whether or not I was straight (it was another 7 years before I discovered asexuality). These moments of doubt were far between usually only about once every 6 months, usually when looking at images of men that were on the TV and appreciating their aesthetics or mild sensual attraction to close friends. Most of this doubt was easily dismissed as my assumptions based on my own experiences and feelings led to overwhelming evidence that I wasn’t gay (that it was flawed due to a heteronormative mindset is beside the point). Yet despite this I kept coming back to doubting my own identity.

This eventually led towards the broken feeling that many aces have felt. For me this started as I began to build up my social confidence but was feeling that I should be in a relationship and wanting sex. Up until this point I’d been quite happy to hide behind excuses that seemed legitimate; I was still living with my parents, hadn’t gotten over my previous relationship (by this point that had been over for 2 years and was more often remembered by other people (read my mum) when I had otherwise not even thought about it). This led to me pursuing someone that was extremely different from me and at one point I remember thinking that they could “fix” me. During this time I had a group of people In the same social circle questioning my sexuality which only made me question it more and feel that I had to defend myself whilst my own doubt increased. (None of them have figured it out to my knowledge). Probably one of the biggest moments of doubt during this time occurred at a strip club which had me questioning whether I was gay again due to very mixed and confused feelings. Though by this stage I was starting to consider I might be bi, but that didn’t make sense either.

A week after I’d been to the strip club the article that I discovered asexuality in was published, which I read a week later. I remember reading it at the time and thinking “this sounds like me” but then dismissing the idea. I would be another 3-4 months before I would look at the article again, following more of the concerns over relationships and thinking I was missing something and becoming socially withdrawn. Once I started to consider it and research it further it took only took a few weeks for me to determine that I was asexual, however there was a lot of questioning and headaches involved especially when considering the grey-areas. In the end I decided that the doubt was irrelavant as it was accurate in a ball park area that was good enough for me and easy enough to explain to other people.

Map showing my thoughts about my sexual identity. Note the repetitive cycles and acceptance of the possibility I may be wrong with my current identity.

However the doubt and response to pushing that doubt aside and calling myself straight meant that it took longer to work out my romantic orientation. It was another six months after starting to consider myself asexual that I started considering myself aromantic. This process showed a notable change in the way that I was doubting my identity though. The revelation in this case came during a couple of sleepless weeks and was mostly started on a subconcious level and was progressive as I first started to look at my identity as grey-romantic before a few weeks later switching to aromantic. This process was greatly aided by having the language to actually tackle the doubt gradually as well as being able to draw on others experiences.

Map of my romantic identity. Note that due to having gone through this process with my sexuality this time it is far more linear but still acknowledges it may be wrong.

I’ve now been identifying as asexual for almost a year and aromantic for five to six months, during this time my confidence has grown. This doesn’t mean that the doubt has gone away rather I’ve found that I now have the tools to address it and in some cases can conclude that I can’t draw a conclusion based on current experience. This has led to me settling on my identity but knowing that I can label aspects that may seem to conflict (such as aesthetic preferences) and have options that should I be wrong or a current part of my identity that doesn’t fit (such as the grey-areas, or in the case of romantic orientation possibly wtfromantic).

Since discovering asexuality I’ve found my doubt to have reduced and instead of being more often caused by the reactions and questioning of others most of it is now internal, seeking to refine my understanding of my own identity. What’s more I now have the tools with which to do it!

I don’t “Flirt”

Flirting is one of those things I don’t get. That said I still do have situations where I can recognise it may be considered flirting, usually after I’m well into a conversation or will have it pointed out afterwards to me. However I still don’t consider it it flirting. However to explain this I need to define what flirting is:

According to the OED flirting is:

to behave in a frivolously amorous or sexually enticing manner

That is in a non-serious sexually suggestive manner, though I believe it should also be expanded to include romantically suggestive.

Wikipedia has an entire page on flirting which states that people flirt to bond and express sexual interest. However it goes on to describe two types of flirting: for fun and with intent. Most of the focus is on flirting with intent to form either a sexual or deeper personal relationship though it may also be for amusement without intent to form any further relationship.

The reason I say I don’t “flirt” is that I do not believe I am being sexually or romantically suggestive, at least not by intent and thus the reason I don’t tend to realise that I may be in a situation that may be considered “flirting” to well after it has begun and the other persons actions and statements make it clear. To me a conversation that could be considered flirting is one in which myself and the other person are both energetic in the conversation and getting to know each other better without worrying about what else is going on around us. To use Wikipedia, this would be defined as flirting for fun in order to bond. For this to be considered flirting though it would have to be suggestive and that is not something I even consider in these conversations, rather I just think its a good, open and friendly conversation.

This is the reason I don’t believe I flirt, rather people misinterpret my actions as flirting. For this reason I’m also conscious that I must pay attention and pick up on the clues from the other person to consider when it may be that I am “flirting” to ensure that it doesn’t result in a more complicated situation later. (Thankfully obliviousness usually helps to get out of these too)

Carnival of Aces: Language and Communication

This post is for the February Carnival of Aces on the topic of Language and Communication.

“The truth that can be told,

is not the whole truth.”

The above quote is a translation from the Tao te Ching (probably the most Western one I’ve seen and used more in self help style books but still doesn’t lose the meaning). The simplest way to look at this is that the truth contains many components not all of which can be expressed.

So why do I use this quote when looking at language and communication, well ultimately as I believe it is futile that to believe we can fully communicate what we want to (sometimes even understanding it yourself is impossible) simply as we can say convey everything we want to. We use many ways to communicate from language to body language but what is conveyed depends on the how the recipient interprets what is being said. As this is the internet I’m going to focus solely on looking at how language is used to communicate within and beyond the asexual and aromatic communities.

Much of the focus within these communities is trying to explain their experiences. Yet how many times do we see people trying to work out what they’re feeling, it is not uncommon to see the question of What is Sexual Attraction? or Am I Feeling Sexual Attraction? This is despite many attempts to define what sexual attraction is, using many analogies from food to bizarre alternate realities. These attempts continue to constantly be made though mainly as despite all of this they don’t get to the truth of it, often due to what seems to be overlap with other types of attraction so more attempts continue to be made.

If we take a look at relationships we see the same issues with defining romance and labelling of different types of relationships. What is seen as romance varies from one person to the next. I’ve also seen many examples of people attempting to label their (or desired) relationships but unable to find a suitable label as they feel it gives off the wrong impression. The efforts to try to explain these feelings has resulted in an expansion of language, for the purposes of this post both wtfromantic and zucchini deserve a mention. The former is has been born out of confusion of trying to work out understand and convey romantic feelings whilst the later has been born out of the frustration of not being able to find an adequate term to describe a type of relationship without it being confused with something else (though the actual use of it will leave anybody unfamiliar confused and with no idea of why you are referring to a vegetable).

So what am I trying to say with these ramblings? Well ultimately we can’t explain the whole truth of what we want to. This is due to the fact that we are dealing with emotions and elements so subtle that they can’t be expressed accurately if understood at all. It also relies on other people being able to receive and correctly interpret what we are trying to say. Language itself is a limitation in this effort, as saying one thing will give somebody an impression that may not have been what you actually meant. We also have multiple words for the same thing and various for slight alterations from it or adjectives to further change the meaning. Yet it is possible to have a conversation and use completely the wrong words and get your meaning across as well (and sometimes even better) than when the right words are used (this example works better in direct communication with the benefit of other types of non-verbal or language based communication). It is pretty much impossible to get across the whole truth of what you really mean but this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try.

When communicating we need to look at what truth we can get across, whether this means more simple or elaborate attempts to describe sexual attraction, more words for romantic orientation and attempts to define romance or new terms and words for relationships. Ultimately we can only try our best to get the truth that we see and feel across to others in a form that they can them form their own truth, hopefully understanding enough or our meaning in the process.

Overcoming Social Conditioning

I’ve never been a big fruit eater…well I was until my grandmother told me I wasn’t as I didn’t like oranges. I still don’t eat much fruit but I have had a tendency to want to more in recent years.

Why mention this? Well this is a simple example of social conditioning and how easy it is to create and how difficult it can be to overcome it even when you are aware of it.

Discovering and coming to terms with asexuality is very much connected with working out and overcoming multiple levels of social conditioning that has been taught to us for years, usually using subtle techniques that make it hard to even realise these assumptions have been worked into your thinking at a subconscious level.

There are probably very few asexuals who aren’t familiar with the idea that “Everybody is Sexual.” For many this is the first assumption to be overcome. I had no reason to believe it was wrong though until I discovered asexuality. It wasn’t hard to overcome this assumption once I did start to consider that I was asexual, but until I had a reason to even consider that I was wrong I wouldn’t have even thought of questioning it despite the fact that this false assumption, due to years of social conditioning telling me that this was the way things were, was beginning to make me feel broken. This broken feeling was due to not feeling that I was obeying the expected rules and the way I “should be”, at the time however I didn’t even know that this was why I was feeling this way so deeply subconscious was this belief. Once I was aware of it it was easy to dispose of though as I could directly relate to the opposite through my asexuality, though for most of the population (including a number of asexuals) this an be a very difficult thing to accept and change.

To broaden this concept further I’m going to also look at relationships and how we have been conditioned to look at them. A traditional way to look at relationships is as two people in love, having sex, sharing a bed, a house, a life, filled with romantic evenings and acts. It also expected that at some point they’ll get married and have kids. Of course this is very short and  a poor snapshot and I’m sure anybody reading this should easily be able to add more. Of course many asexuals (and many allosexuals) are forced to question these assumptions about relationships and some aspects are easier than others. For an asexual much is focused on the assumption of sex, though for an aromatic this may focus more on the romantic assumptions. (Note: The fact that I’m writing this on the 14th February aka Valentines Day is not lost on me and brings a little bit of amusement)

So why mention these assumptions. Well it’s simple really, much of social conditioning is to do with how we relate to the rest of society and the rules that we follow. When we break these rules we are meant to feel guilt (which in some cases is good such as murder and theft)  and  when we don’t follow these rules we feel broken. I’ve already covered how I felt broken at not feeling sexual when “Everybody Is Sexual” however the second part about relationships is probably even better to consider when looking at social conditioning. Many people believe that you can’t be happy if you’re not in a relationship (again another assumption), however for many they don’t feel that they can get into a relationship as they can’t provide part of that assumption of what a relationship is (ie. many asexuals don’t feel they can live up  to or provide the sexual expectations of a relationships), thus feel that they will be alone and thus make themselves unhappy and lonely.

So how do you overcome conditioning? This depends on the person but generally time and visibility are the important elements. For me to overcome my assumption that “Everybody is Sexual” was very easy as I already didn’t follow that assumption but it did take time to accept, for some this can take longer as it is harder to comprehend if you don’t have a way to relate to and challenge the assumptions, a key reasons why visibility on issues is important if you wish to change people’s assumptions as regardless it will start someone thinking about it. It also requires a degree of open mindedness, the ability to acknowledge that your beliefs are wrong and a willingness to change them. Overcoming social conditioning is not something to do quickly or lightly and when trying to change someone else’s takes time and patience and also accepting that sometimes people will wish to hold onto their assumptions, after all this forms part of how they relate to society.

As for myself and my own social conditioning, I obviously no longer believe that everybody is sexual. I’m keeping an open mind about relationships and trying to work out what I want from a relationship, working from the ground up but using the old assumptions to help, but at the same consider what other people are likely to want, need and expect from a relationship and how that may effect my wants, needs and expectations. In general I’m keeping an open mind and questioning and adjusting my assumptions as I feel is necessary. I’m also likely to eat fruit when I feel like I want to eat fruit, not often but it does happen.